What Your Child's 'I Don't Want To Go' Really Means

Every parent knows the scene.

The bag is packed. The shoes are on. You are two minutes from the door when it happens.

'I don't want to go.'

It might be school. It might be the birthday party of their best friend. It could even be an acting class.

And you, the parent, are left trying to decode what is actually going on.

It's rarely about the thing itself.

Here is what I have learned after working with thousands of kids.

When a child says they don't want to go somewhere, the place is rarely the real issue.

The real issue is the gap between where they are right now, which is safe, known and comfortable, and where they are going, which is uncertain.

The anxiety lives in that gap.

They will often enjoy it once they get there, and they usually like the activity just fine. The journey from here to there simply feels too big right now.

The anxiety I know and have experienced is feeling trapped. If I go, I'm trapped. If something happens while I'm there, I'm trapped, and there is no way out. That is when the solution to not go appears.

The question that helps most

Rather than 'you have to go' or 'okay, we don't have to go', try this instead.

'Tell me what it feels like right now, in your body, when you think about going.'

That question invites them to locate the feeling rather than argue about the decision.

Then listen to what comes back. Often, within a few sentences, the real thing surfaces.

From there, you have something to work with.

Offer a red button.

Baby steps are the real solution. Rather than forcing, offer a red button: a mechanism that gives them control. When a child knows there is a way out, the trap disappears, and a child who is no longer trapped can usually find the courage to try.

This means breaking it into little steps.

Step 1: Let's just get ready to go, then reassess.

Step 2: We're ready to go and you still have the feelings. Let's just get in the car. Offer a reason they understand, such as 'we have already paid for the camp, so let's just get to the drop-off point.'

Step 3: go in and find a person who is part of the organisation. Talk about the anxiety and what is behind it, and let the coach or person in charge know that if your child gets overwhelmed, they can come home.

Step 4: if it is a class, offer to stay in the car park or in the class if the organisation is like ours and welcomes parents to stay.

Yes, this is a lot more work for the parent, but it won't be every week. It might take a few. On our stay-away camps, a high 90% of kids who face the anxious feeling or want to go home get through it, just by us accommodating it and helping them expand their comfort zone.

If the avoidance is becoming a pattern, keep the steps going gently but consistently. Every avoidance that succeeds teaches the anxiety that it works. And if something specific happened, a real social or emotional issue, that needs attention first.

There is no perfect answer here. But the parent who is curious before being firm will almost always handle it better than the one who is firm before being curious.

Brendan Glanville is the Founder and Artistic Director of the Australian Acting Academy. For over 30 years he has helped more than 100,000 young people build confidence, courage and authentic connection through acting, storytelling and creative risk-taking. He writes about parenting, resilience, creativity and what it means to raise brave humans in a complicated world. Learn more at actingacademy.com.au.