The Biggest Mistake Parents Make When Their Child Is Anxious

I want to say something clearly before I say anything else.

The parents who make this mistake are good parents who love their children deeply. That's actually why they make it.

The mistake

The biggest mistake I see parents make with anxious children is this: they solve the problem for them.

The child doesn't want to go to the party. The parent calls ahead and makes a special arrangement.

The child is nervous about the new class. The parent sits in the car park just in case.

The child refuses to order their own food at a restaurant. The parent orders for them to avoid the discomfort.

The child wants to cancel a commitment because it has become challenging. The parent just cancels rather than trying to find a way for them to continue.

Every single one of those responses comes from a place of love. And every single one of them makes the anxiety a little bit bigger.

Why it backfires

Anxiety has one goal: to keep you safe.

I live with anxiety myself, and one thing I have noticed in my own life is that anxious people try to control their environment. If they feel trapped, that anxiety grows.

When a child is anxious about something and a parent removes the obstacle, anxiety learns that the strategy works. Next time, it tries harder. The feeling is more intense. The avoidance behaviour escalates.

Parents often notice this pattern without being able to name it. The things their child was anxious about keep multiplying. What started as nerves about school becomes fear of social situations, new places, and unfamiliar food.

This is how untreated anxiety grows.

What to do instead

Before I go further, a necessary caveat. If your child's anxiety is acute enough that you are already working with a trained mental health professional, always defer to them. What follows is for kids earlier on their anxiety journey, where it flares up now and again rather than being a constant, severe presence.

I know it works because it works for me, and it has worked for my four kids.

Throwing your child in at the deep end can cause real harm too. The better approach is to stay present while gently, incrementally letting them face the discomfort.

Sit in the car park but don't go in. Then next week, drop off and come back in ten minutes. Then drop off and come back at the end.

Stay at the party for the first fifteen minutes. Then leave. Then next time, drop off.

Order your own meal next time, and I will be right here while you do it.

The incremental approach builds evidence. It teaches the brain: I did that, and I survived. The world did not end. I am more capable than I thought.

Each small step makes the next step possible.

A tool worth trying: improv

One tool I would add to that list is improv. Anxious kids often hate it at first. It puts them in a room full of people and asks them to let go of control, which is the exact opposite of what anxiety wants. But over time, they learn to adapt, because you cannot improvise while holding onto control. That is a skill that carries far beyond the stage.

Your own anxiety matters too

Here is something parents rarely hear: your anxiety about your child's anxiety is part of the equation.

Children are exquisitely tuned to their parents' emotional state. If you are tense and worried every time they face a challenge, they absorb that signal.

The most powerful thing you can transmit to an anxious child is calm confidence: a steady belief that they can handle this, not forced cheerfulness. That belief, transmitted consistently over time, is one of the most powerful things a parent can offer.

About the Author: Brendan Glanville is the Founder and Artistic Director of the Australian Acting Academy. For over 30 years he has helped more than 100,000 young people build confidence, courage and authentic connection through acting, storytelling and creative risk-taking. He writes about parenting, resilience, creativity and what it means to raise brave humans in a complicated world. Learn more at actingacademy.com.au.